I bought myself roses tonight to celebrate my payday. And I love roses.
"Yes Madge, you did buy roses. But they were grown in Colombia. And that means that each time you bend over to smell them - and why do you keep doing that anyway? they have no scent because they're commerically produced, dummy - you are probably inhaling enough chemical pesticides to give your first born a tail and wings. Didn't Maria Full of Grace teach you anything? Whoever gathered your rose bouquet and secured it with a rubberband would rather EAT cocaine and gamble their life than see to it that you have your stinking 'oh it's my payday!' roses. P.S. Maybe this would be a good time for you to actually start a rose garden of your own, like you've always wanted to do since you moved to Florida."
But. But. I live in an apartment building. Wwaaaaaaaaahhhh. So until then, my social conscience doesn't exist when I see roses at the grocery for $5.99 a dozen.
"Madge? You. Are. Overusing. This. Whole. Period. Thing. To. Make. A. Statement. Whoops, that guilt trip is for another time. Until then: You.Must.Stop.Buying.Roses.From.Gigantic.Corporations."
Holy Shit my peeps, I'm crazy.
6 comments:
Does anyone out there realize that I'm like, a total hypocrite? Yikes. The voices in my head serve as personal checks & balances. Executive: me. Judicial: the voices. Legislative?: what everyone else thinks, I guess. I think the voices made me comment on my own post. This is embarrassing. Why am I going to click 'publis...
No, those roses are beautiful. One day, you'll be able to grow the most fantastic roses in the world. Until then, get yourself a slice of joy, however inexpensive, and relish it.
You're hilarious.
Hey, I'm jobless! Didja hear? I'm a broke schmuck who got fired. But my boyfriend and your boyfriend are twins...wait...where do you live again? Hang on, I gotta get Michael...
Thank you liberal friend. You are now my legislative guidance.
P.S. I read your blog shortly after you commented. I replied to your terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day post. I felt it somewhat inappropriate to say how I'd never heard of "carbeques" until I moved to Florida. I'm telling you now. It's a horrible thing. But I always laugh when I hear that term.
These are GORGEOUS. Gorgeous I tell you. I want to bury my nostrils in them, I want to roll in them (minus thorns), I want to bathe in them. Fucking gorgeous.
Buying yourself flowers is a sign of good mental health. Or so say those pesky self-help books.
tenzd
Tennis every night zips doody
don't feel guilty about the roses. i bought a pair of sunglasses (my first pair!!) and a bootylicious skirt for my "payday." actually, they were just a personal congratulations for getting hired...
My roses are happy that everybody likes them.
Tennis every night zips doody. You're too funny for word verification. I'm going to have report you to Blogger.com.
I wear my sunglasses at night. You've never had any before? Aren't your eyes killing you by now? They're wicked cute, by the way.
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