new year, new you

I think everyone's secret New Year's Resolution list looked something like this:

1. Go to library; get card.  But be an asshole during the whole process. 
2. Try to be a better driver; tailgate 96% of the time. 
3. Be nicer to strangers.  Only on rare occasions.
4. Ask for things politely (January 1st).  Send thankless demanding e-mails January 2nd.
5. Correct people less.  However, do not stand corrected.
6. Control temper.  Punch doors instead of windows.
7. Exercise more.  Play soccer with canteloupe down grocery store aisles.
8. Ask for directions when lost.  Don't forget to explain that North, South, East, and West change depending on mood.

The world is full of assholes.  My god.